The Podcast Crew
I am Jonny. I am the awesome. I like comic books. They are tasty. Like a chicken wing. I’ve been working on the sonic railroad all the live long day. I am also Jonny who disagrees with Spencer. Movies make me think they are also tasty. Clever movies they say to me. Michael Beihn kicks ass, but not his own. Twenty pounds a sawbuck! That is outrageous in this day and age! Maybe tomorrow the world will be plagued with the diseased and dying in the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse to which I would say that yogurt rules! Or maybe tomorrow will be Wednesday!
That was all we were able to get from Jonny before he got violent and had to be put in restraints, sedated and returned to his cell. Some days are better than others. In his stead we are prepared to make the following statements. He is a partner in business at Ages Three and Up. He enjoys watching movies, which we encourage because it seems to calm him down. It might be the sedatives, but he spends most of his time sleeping. Before his stay with us, he produced hip hop albums and continues to do so in a limited fashion with another inmate. We find that he is friendly to visitors most of the time… just don’t mention the Transformers movie.
Born in the vast expanses of the enchanted forests, Spencer’s mother died of complications, giving birth to an actual human child. Found by a gaggle of dwarfs, he was forced to grow up in the mines, digging for gold, diamonds and many other precious and semi precious metals. By the age of 17 Spencer knew that he did not belong in this world and dreamed of escape. With the help of 7 other dwarves who were unhappy with their situation, Spencer’s escape became reality on the eve of his 21st birthday. Wandering the Yukon, he met up with a fat guy with a huge white beard by the name of Kris and they discussed for days on end the problems plaguing toy manufacture and distribution. Filling Spencer’s head with all kinds of ideas about toys, a grand adventure came about with the even more grandiose finale being the opening of Ages Three and Up toys, located in Metropolis At Metrotown. Now, at the ripe old age of 35, Spencer enjoys days of opening toys at random and reading all kinds of new comics to his hearts content. What does the future hold for this guru of toys? Could it be a chain of stores across Canada or maybe just fading off into nothingness like many good stories of old? Only time will tell.
Ben Horev - the Zombie Slayer
A long time friend and customer of the A3U, Ben is a master of "Jew-jitsu", as well as a master at annoying Spencer. While many suspect him to be a master of baiters, nothing has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt and therefore his ambiguity rules! Ben loves eating tacos, either while playing, reading or watching anything to do with zombies. Ben plans for the future to be one of the heroes of a zombie apocalypse occurring in 2011 (yes that soon, I asked an oracle), and his uncle would always say...with great power, comes lots of girls. Ben was recruited to the podcast team because he wields the mighty Laptop of Knowledge, without it, he’s as useful as pork at a rabbi's house. Ben has learned the hard way to NEVER talk to Jonny about the Transformers movie...he’s still fighting a small cluster of tumours in his brain as a result of that mistake… wish him luck. And contrary to popular belief Ben does not sniff comics...only glue and occasionally Spence, but only out of sheer morbid curiosity!
Mike Stepney - The Webmaster
Knuckles white -- My grip on the worn shaft of my hockey-stick morning-star was tight, maybe too tight. That last one was close, he might have nicked me. Oh shit, he had. The blood began trickling into my eyes, but I could still just make him out through the veil of crimson.
My opponent was fighting the dizziness of alcohol withdrawal, but he was back on his feet and winding up for another ruthless swing of his aluminum baseball bat. *WHAM* The air cracked like thunder as my garbage-can-lid buckler absorbed the next blow, sending me reeling to the ground. I was helpless. So, is this how it ends? In an ill-advised but brief moment of distraction, I caught sight of two men exchanging bills with the bookie. "Five hundred on the homeless one."
"Which homeless one?" The Bum Fights official replied snarkily. Me. They were betting on me. They believed in me! I gathered my remaining strength and lurched to my knees. One powerful, wild swing. That's all I needed. There was too much at stake: Three quarters of an Egg McMuffin, a mickey of Potters Vodka, and a modest gift certificate to Swiss Challet. I let it fly! The braided shoelaces went taught as the can of processed food lashed to the curve of my blade gained momentum -- and then nothing. I had missed. The nausea that precedes unconsciousness began to take hold, and I felt myself slipping away. I'll never forget the smell of Larry " The Lysol" Anderson's urine-caked jogging pants as he stood over me victorious. The McMuffin was his.
I woke up at the A3U Podcast studio - what day is it? What year was this? The door to my quarters clanked open, and as my eyes began to adjust I recognized the inky silhouettes in the rectangle of light. The same pair had staked money on me at the match, and were counting their winnings. Wait -- I shook off the confused thought, and soon learned their names: Jonny and Spence. They hadn't nursed me back to health, but they went halves on a high-class prostitute who had. Jonny glanced knowingly towards Spencer, "We've tried the stick, I think it's time we tried the carrot..." Spencer chortled, then nodded with a smile. Was it true? Were these gentlemen social engineers of the highest order? Had they orchestrated my fall from the Fortune 500 and ascent through the ranks of Bum Fighting in order to harden me? To mold me into the perfect machine? To unlock the power they quite irrationally saw within me to become: The A3U Podcast Webmaster!?
Michael J. Cohen
A sometime podcaster and graphic designer in his own right, Michael has been known to contribute to the A3U from time to time. He was instrumental in creating the podcast site. Most recently he has been recruited by the Starfleet to help defend "the frontier" from "Xur and the Kodan armada. How could he walk away from history? Did Chris Columbus stay home? Nooooo. What if the Wright Brothers thought that only birds should fly? And did Galoka think that the Ulus were too ugly to save? We may not have an answer to that, but Michael did and now consequently, he now finds that his new co-pilot Grig has a funny smell that he can’t shake, but Mike doesn’t mention it, because that would be impolite.
Toni Zhang
Toni Zhang is the chewy centre of the calloused heart that is the A3U Crew. Between dancing to music only she can hear and going to school to learn the mystic arts of Annie-Maye-Shun, she spends her time chained in the hold of the A3U pirate frigate , the “Unscrupulous Profit” where she doodles her madness onto the backs of fellow slaves for the greater glory of this podcast site. It’s okay, though, really, we let her out for fresh air every fifteen minutes and she goes home every night to sleep in her own bed… at least that is what we want her to believe.
